dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
what day is it and did you see me today?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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