No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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