we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Come share oat with me in your robe
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
