i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize