and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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