he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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