Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
