hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
