my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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