I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
