I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize