with your own penis?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
