Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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