shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
