No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
