Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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