Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
