I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
