Can i not drive my cunt home
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
