My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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