My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
