the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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