u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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