thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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