How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
