The maid of honor just puked.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
