You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
