Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
