made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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