I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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