Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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