Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
