strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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