i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
