she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
