I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
