My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
