nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
