Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize