I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
