my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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