what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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