it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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