so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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