I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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