Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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