My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
