I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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