Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
