if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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