ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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