I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize