1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
