I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
