im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
