I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize