Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
