whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
