I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she smelled like a LAN party
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
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