Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Just pee around me
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Randomize
