Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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