You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
