Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
my poor anus
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
