yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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