I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
