My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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